Dear Crystal Castles,
Your music is both terrifying and fascinating. Thank you for being weird.
Yours sincerely,
A Bewildered Listener.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
To the boy walking up Symonds Street at 11:08am today, playing air drums
Dear Air Drums Boy,
Rock on.
Yours sincerely,
The girl that walked past you wearing a red jacket.
Rock on.
Yours sincerely,
The girl that walked past you wearing a red jacket.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
To Users of Facebook
Originally written as a ranting note on Facebook - hence the tone being less than the usual level of formality found in my letters.
Dear Facebook Users,
On Facebook, as most people have figured out, you can show your support (or lack of) for various things through the use of GROUPS and PAGES.
A GROUP is a GROUP of PEOPLE - to subscribe to a GROUP, one becomes a MEMBER.
A PAGE is a stand-alone object that people becomes FANS of - you do not need to actually be affiliated with the PAGE to be a FAN (more on that later).
My rant today is the misnaming of GROUPS and PAGES. I will demonstrate with a few examples.
Today I became a FAN of the PAGE "Sitting in your towel after a shower because you're too lazy to get dressed", because I am a FAN of the aforementioned activity. If this PAGE were a GROUP, the correct name would be "People who sit in their towels after showers because they're too lazy to get dressed". I am also a FAN of the PAGE "Getting paid" because I am a FAN of GETTING PAID. Likewise with "Chocolate Dipped Strawberries" and "Sporcle" - these are things that I like.
But what about things one doesn't like?
To show non-support for a cause, event or activity, there are PAGES with names such as - to give two examples that I am a FAN of - "Not being on fire" and "Not being raped" - I am showing support for NOT being on fire/raped - or showing non-support for being on fire or raped - by being a FAN of these PAGES.
Now onto GROUPS. Like I said before, a GROUP is a collection of people - it exists because of its MEMBERS. One becomes a MEMBER of a GROUP. I am a MEMBER of a GROUP called "Those Who Enjoy + Partake In the Distribution and Acquisition of High Fives" - because I am one who enjoys and partakes in the distribution and acquisition of high fives. If I were merely a FAN of high fives, it would be more appropriate for me to become a FAN of a PAGE called "High Fives".
¿Comprendes?
Now I will outline a few theoretical examples of things people like strongly enough to honour on Facebook, and whether a PAGE or GROUP would be appropriate in each case.
Say you have a BAND, and it is called THE HAT SOCIETY. You CANNOT start a group called "The Hat Society" and invite your fans to join it! That's inviting them to join the band! Do you really want a band of 736 members, of which 731 never turn up to practices? It would be appropriate to make a PAGE called "The Hat Society" that people could become FANS of - or a GROUP called "The Hat Society Fan Club" that people could become MEMBERS of.
I would grudgingly accept a GROUP called "I Love The Hat Society", but for goodness' sake DO NOT make a PAGE called "I Love The Hat Society"! That's just inviting people to show their support for your support of a band, not their support for the band! I could become a FAN of a PAGE called "I Love The Hat Society", without actually loving The Hat Society at all, just because I appreciate your dedication to the band!
You see?
Now for events. Sometimes things happen, and they're great. So you want to make a PAGE or GROUP about it. Say you like PUTTING ON CLEAN SOCKS. One could either make a PAGE called "Putting On Clean Socks" or a GROUP called "We Love Putting On Clean Socks" or "People Who Love Putting On Clean Socks". People could become FANS of PUTTING ON CLEAN SOCKS or become MEMBERS of a GROUP DEDICATED TO THE PRACTICE OF PUTTING ON CLEAN SOCKS.
Simple enough, isn't it?
To demonstrate that one DISLIKES something isn't so tricky either. Say the thing in particular that irks you on this overcast Monday morning is, oh, I don't know... OVERCAST MONDAY MORNINGS. The PAGE dedicated to one's dislike of OVERCAST MONDAY MORNINGS could be called something like "Not Getting Out Of Bed Because It's An Overcast Monday Morning" or "Don't You Just Hate Overcast Monday Mornings". The equivalent GROUP would be "Overcast Monday Mornings Suck" or "We Hate Overcast Monday Mornings" or "The Overcast Monday Morning Hate Club".
Thank you for your time.
No Caps Lock keys were harmed in the typing of this article.
Dear Facebook Users,
On Facebook, as most people have figured out, you can show your support (or lack of) for various things through the use of GROUPS and PAGES.
A GROUP is a GROUP of PEOPLE - to subscribe to a GROUP, one becomes a MEMBER.
A PAGE is a stand-alone object that people becomes FANS of - you do not need to actually be affiliated with the PAGE to be a FAN (more on that later).
My rant today is the misnaming of GROUPS and PAGES. I will demonstrate with a few examples.
Today I became a FAN of the PAGE "Sitting in your towel after a shower because you're too lazy to get dressed", because I am a FAN of the aforementioned activity. If this PAGE were a GROUP, the correct name would be "People who sit in their towels after showers because they're too lazy to get dressed". I am also a FAN of the PAGE "Getting paid" because I am a FAN of GETTING PAID. Likewise with "Chocolate Dipped Strawberries" and "Sporcle" - these are things that I like.
But what about things one doesn't like?
To show non-support for a cause, event or activity, there are PAGES with names such as - to give two examples that I am a FAN of - "Not being on fire" and "Not being raped" - I am showing support for NOT being on fire/raped - or showing non-support for being on fire or raped - by being a FAN of these PAGES.
Now onto GROUPS. Like I said before, a GROUP is a collection of people - it exists because of its MEMBERS. One becomes a MEMBER of a GROUP. I am a MEMBER of a GROUP called "Those Who Enjoy + Partake In the Distribution and Acquisition of High Fives" - because I am one who enjoys and partakes in the distribution and acquisition of high fives. If I were merely a FAN of high fives, it would be more appropriate for me to become a FAN of a PAGE called "High Fives".
¿Comprendes?
Now I will outline a few theoretical examples of things people like strongly enough to honour on Facebook, and whether a PAGE or GROUP would be appropriate in each case.
Say you have a BAND, and it is called THE HAT SOCIETY. You CANNOT start a group called "The Hat Society" and invite your fans to join it! That's inviting them to join the band! Do you really want a band of 736 members, of which 731 never turn up to practices? It would be appropriate to make a PAGE called "The Hat Society" that people could become FANS of - or a GROUP called "The Hat Society Fan Club" that people could become MEMBERS of.
I would grudgingly accept a GROUP called "I Love The Hat Society", but for goodness' sake DO NOT make a PAGE called "I Love The Hat Society"! That's just inviting people to show their support for your support of a band, not their support for the band! I could become a FAN of a PAGE called "I Love The Hat Society", without actually loving The Hat Society at all, just because I appreciate your dedication to the band!
You see?
Now for events. Sometimes things happen, and they're great. So you want to make a PAGE or GROUP about it. Say you like PUTTING ON CLEAN SOCKS. One could either make a PAGE called "Putting On Clean Socks" or a GROUP called "We Love Putting On Clean Socks" or "People Who Love Putting On Clean Socks". People could become FANS of PUTTING ON CLEAN SOCKS or become MEMBERS of a GROUP DEDICATED TO THE PRACTICE OF PUTTING ON CLEAN SOCKS.
Simple enough, isn't it?
To demonstrate that one DISLIKES something isn't so tricky either. Say the thing in particular that irks you on this overcast Monday morning is, oh, I don't know... OVERCAST MONDAY MORNINGS. The PAGE dedicated to one's dislike of OVERCAST MONDAY MORNINGS could be called something like "Not Getting Out Of Bed Because It's An Overcast Monday Morning" or "Don't You Just Hate Overcast Monday Mornings". The equivalent GROUP would be "Overcast Monday Mornings Suck" or "We Hate Overcast Monday Mornings" or "The Overcast Monday Morning Hate Club".
Thank you for your time.
No Caps Lock keys were harmed in the typing of this article.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
To Roadworkers on Wakefield Street
Dear Roadworkers,
I appreciate the good work that you do for our country. If it weren't for you, our roads would fall into disrepair, and though drivers often curse roadworkers for making them late or slow, we all understand the necessity for roadworks. I can also understand that Wakefield Street is a busy road, and that you may want to do your repair work on it during an off-peak time, when there are not many cars on it with drivers that will become angry and frustrated that you are holding them up. It is sensible, logical and laudable that you are making this effort to preserve what little sanity the drivers of Auckland still have.
However, midnight is not that time, nor are the hours immediately following it. Wakefield Street passes between multiple apartment buildings, and a university hall of residence. In fact, I'm pretty sure O'Rorke Hall is the biggest hall of residence at the University of Auckland, which is the biggest university in the city, nay, the country. It is the middle of summer, and on the tenth floor - and most other floors - it gets pretty hot and stuffy if windows are not left open. We students appreciate our freedom to sleep with our windows open, secure in the knowledge that we may indulge in our desire for fresh air and a comfortable sleeping environment without disturbances from the outside world (such as drunken International House students, who would climb in our windows if they could, but they can't).
Imagine for a moment, roadworkers, that you are a university student. You are heading off to bed early - say, eleven thirty - because you have a lecture tomorrow morning. An early lecture. In fact, you have Statistics 101 at 8am, not leaving very much time for breakfast. So you want to just go to bed and sleep and get your *cough* eight hours. Now, roadworkers, how would you feel if trucks were going BAAAP BAAAP BAAAP outside your window at twelve thirty? Would you not feel a little disgruntled? Would you not maybe feel like throwing your steel-toed roadworkers' boots (or in my case, tramping boots) off your balcony, ten storeys down to bounce off the hard-hatted heads of the roadworkers and hopefully leave sizeable dents?
Now, I understand that you, roadworkers, are not the decision-makers in matters of roadworking. You probably have bosses who answer to more bosses and it goes up to the council or something. And those councilmen are probably the true villains in this drama. But they don't know (or care) that there are university students trying to sleep here with their windows open and trucks going BAAAP BAAAP BAAAP. You may say "just sleep with your windows shut." Well, roadworkers, last night I did that. And it SUCKED. I could not fall asleep for a long time because of the heat, and now this morning I am more tired than I should be. All thanks to you, roadworkers.
I could go into even more detail about the smell of hot tar, and how it wafts its way up to our windows, but I realise that the smell of hot tar is something you have no control over, and that roadworks are necessary. All I ask is that you refrain from making loud noises with your trucks after a reasonable time of night - say ten thirty? I think that that is a suitable compromise.
Yours sincerely,
A Disgruntled University Student.
I appreciate the good work that you do for our country. If it weren't for you, our roads would fall into disrepair, and though drivers often curse roadworkers for making them late or slow, we all understand the necessity for roadworks. I can also understand that Wakefield Street is a busy road, and that you may want to do your repair work on it during an off-peak time, when there are not many cars on it with drivers that will become angry and frustrated that you are holding them up. It is sensible, logical and laudable that you are making this effort to preserve what little sanity the drivers of Auckland still have.
However, midnight is not that time, nor are the hours immediately following it. Wakefield Street passes between multiple apartment buildings, and a university hall of residence. In fact, I'm pretty sure O'Rorke Hall is the biggest hall of residence at the University of Auckland, which is the biggest university in the city, nay, the country. It is the middle of summer, and on the tenth floor - and most other floors - it gets pretty hot and stuffy if windows are not left open. We students appreciate our freedom to sleep with our windows open, secure in the knowledge that we may indulge in our desire for fresh air and a comfortable sleeping environment without disturbances from the outside world (such as drunken International House students, who would climb in our windows if they could, but they can't).
Imagine for a moment, roadworkers, that you are a university student. You are heading off to bed early - say, eleven thirty - because you have a lecture tomorrow morning. An early lecture. In fact, you have Statistics 101 at 8am, not leaving very much time for breakfast. So you want to just go to bed and sleep and get your *cough* eight hours. Now, roadworkers, how would you feel if trucks were going BAAAP BAAAP BAAAP outside your window at twelve thirty? Would you not feel a little disgruntled? Would you not maybe feel like throwing your steel-toed roadworkers' boots (or in my case, tramping boots) off your balcony, ten storeys down to bounce off the hard-hatted heads of the roadworkers and hopefully leave sizeable dents?
Now, I understand that you, roadworkers, are not the decision-makers in matters of roadworking. You probably have bosses who answer to more bosses and it goes up to the council or something. And those councilmen are probably the true villains in this drama. But they don't know (or care) that there are university students trying to sleep here with their windows open and trucks going BAAAP BAAAP BAAAP. You may say "just sleep with your windows shut." Well, roadworkers, last night I did that. And it SUCKED. I could not fall asleep for a long time because of the heat, and now this morning I am more tired than I should be. All thanks to you, roadworkers.
I could go into even more detail about the smell of hot tar, and how it wafts its way up to our windows, but I realise that the smell of hot tar is something you have no control over, and that roadworks are necessary. All I ask is that you refrain from making loud noises with your trucks after a reasonable time of night - say ten thirty? I think that that is a suitable compromise.
Yours sincerely,
A Disgruntled University Student.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
To Rail Commuters
Dear Rail Commuters,
When you get up in the morning and get ready to go out and catch your train - to work, school, or wherever it is that you are going, dressed like that - you may like to consider having a shower and putting on deodorant. Just possibly. On days like today, with a packed carriage and temperatures shooting past twenty-five degrees (and well on the way to thirty), it might just make the journey more pleasant for your fellow passengers. You're going to get hot and sweaty on a train in late summer anyway, but you might as well start off clean and pleasant-smelling to delay the process of pickling and putrefaction that happens in trains like these, on days like these.
If you are aware of your body odour (and if yours is anything like that of the people I shared the train with today, it would be difficult to be unaware of it), your fellow passengers would most appreciate it if you hung back a little when the train reaches its final destination, so as to make sure you are at the back of the crowd that surges out of the train when the doors open. This way, the other commuters will not have to walk in the maladorous fog that trails in your wake, all the way through the station.
Yours sincerely,
A Fellow Passenger.
When you get up in the morning and get ready to go out and catch your train - to work, school, or wherever it is that you are going, dressed like that - you may like to consider having a shower and putting on deodorant. Just possibly. On days like today, with a packed carriage and temperatures shooting past twenty-five degrees (and well on the way to thirty), it might just make the journey more pleasant for your fellow passengers. You're going to get hot and sweaty on a train in late summer anyway, but you might as well start off clean and pleasant-smelling to delay the process of pickling and putrefaction that happens in trains like these, on days like these.
If you are aware of your body odour (and if yours is anything like that of the people I shared the train with today, it would be difficult to be unaware of it), your fellow passengers would most appreciate it if you hung back a little when the train reaches its final destination, so as to make sure you are at the back of the crowd that surges out of the train when the doors open. This way, the other commuters will not have to walk in the maladorous fog that trails in your wake, all the way through the station.
Yours sincerely,
A Fellow Passenger.
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